THE BIG TRONLEGOWSKI

Where to start. Yesterday, I finally went to see Tron: Legacy. Now, there's a lot of movies that I've wanted to see on opening night, or that I had promised myself to see in theaters. Why I delayed to go see this Tron sequel was part me being me, and part not wanting to face the inevitable truth. If you know me, then you know, I was betting high on this movie.

There will be no eloquence in this text, as I will probably lose composure as the lines are written.

It would seem that a gravy train only sauces once. We have come to accept it as fact, that franchise revival has failed in almost every medium -- revived abominations that you're almost sure are going to live, but crumble into a puddle of goo after taking a few steps. Why I thought I could will this movie into being good is still a mystery. I thought I would, at worst, walk out of the theater thinking "At least I saw it". On hindsight, it was so bad in the same way that some relationships end so badly that you want to throw away everything that reminds you about the person who did you so wrong.

TRON: LEGACY is a shadow of its predecessor and of itself. It's like when they release sequels of movies on DVD-only, except that this has by some miracle made its way into theaters for all to see the horror that Disney has created.

OK, when do I become relevant to the plot? Really? Whatever you say.

The beginning of the movie showed somekind of promise. Big bad Encom is releasing their new OS. We're introduced to a board of directors of somekind that we hope will have alter-egos in the technosphere, especially with the introduction of the son of Dillinger, the original Sark. And as soon as someone touches a single key, the entire movie starts going downhill:

A security guard ready to fire a gun in a server farm. OK.
ONE. Security guy in the WHQ of a company that is supped to be running the world. Still OK.

So far so good, because what we're really be going to keep an eye out for is somekind of computer-science rigor to wave our finger at. As Flynn's son Sam sits in the secret room below his father's arcade and begins to show short lived hacking prowess only second to his Ducati driving skills, what is supposed to be the beginning of the ride, tolls the bell for disaster: skipping the digitization scene COMPLETELY. The ONE scene that is the pivotal part of the movie, gone in the blink of an eye, traded in for evolved versions of Recognizers and Light Cycles, with only a wink to the Tanks appearing as NPCs.

It is an empty script, devoid of any kind of writing or reflection. A script that waltzes with false confidence as if no technological movie about computers has ever made since. Punctuated by utterly annoying trumpet-like electro from Daft Punk. No subtleties, no explanations as to where we are, no structure beyond what Disney is capable of, that is, ringing the bell to turn the page until you fall asleep from your bedtime story. Are we inside a computer? Are we in a network? If we are on a network, then why do its inhabitants STILL have no clue of what's going on in the outside world? Why can they only send data to some dude's PAGER.

• Tron himself appears as a minor character
• Jeff Bridges still playing as "The Dude"
• More War Games references than actual Tron ones
• Even a Star Wars Trench reference
• Clawing desperately at the coat tails of the Matrix with a character trying to be the Merovingian
• Everything is settled by combat, no amount of data manipulation here
• No program has any more power, purpose or skill than the next

There aren't many rules to abide to when it comes to the Tron mythos, it's not like Star Trek or Star Wars where there's fundamental rules that, if broken, will infuriate its fans. Yet these franchises are enjoying prosperous years of spinoffs, sequels, books, fanfic, you name it -- and still maintain their integrity after all these years despite the minor slip-ups by certain directors or other.  It's mind-blowing that nobody could hack the original script and come up with a fresh idea from the original 96 minutes of footage.

Tron-Sector.com had reported that the script for the sequel had originally been canned a few times stating that in the light of such a critical audience and the evolution of computers since the original release, it would be hard to write a script that was technically flawless in it's computer references. So they seem to have opted instead for a formula that pleases absolutely nobody, banging it's blue striped helmet against its virtual pavement until there is absolutely nothing left.

Nothing.

I guess grossing $158,497,550 says otherwise, but Dave Attell said it best in an episode of Dr. Katz Professional Therapist when speaking of going to the Opera: "Look how much work it takes to bore me".

Infernal's Paris to Berlin
better story, better music, better Tron References, better virtual club...