Oh, I'm letting it out allright..

Another day, another grocery basket. Walking through the aisles picking out a few things for a decadent indoor day, and I see it again, the one I never bought. As you will soon see, Maxwell House came out with a new instant coffee, and the upgrade, isn't in the taste. Let me just rewind a little bit to see how this meeting happened at the polished up exec table of Maxwell House:

Bauss: So, as we discussed last week, today is the brainstorm to see what the direction of our new product will be taking. As I hope you remember, the criteria is as always, cost-effectiveness while giving the customer more than they expect. Who wants to start?

Jeff: Actually...

Bauss: Jeff, you hardlly ever speak at these meetings, it's good to see you've got initiative there, don't dissapoint [takes a sip of his Folgers]

Jeff: Well, here's the way I see it, everyone is trying to innovate in different flavours of coffee, and quite frankly, the costs of developing a new taste are astronomical. Between the chemists and the taste testers, getting a new taste right in the lab, never guarantees that we'll have any takers for the long haul.

Bauss: That's true (nods all around)

Jeff: Coffee is typically had in the morning, let's call it "circa-sunrise"...

Bauss: I like that... VERY MUCH.

Jeff: Truth is, most people depend on their first coffee of the day for a boost of strength and pep. That being said, opening the jar of coffee is a bit of a chore, I mean, I'm happy we don't eat pickles in for a boost in the morning because, really, none of us would get anything done if it depended on getting right out of bed and into that jar.

[laughs all around]

Jeff (continues): No, hear me out guys, really. What we do is create a coffee jar that's easier to open. One shouldn't struggle to get to their coffee in the morning. Our clients are those who can't even be bothered to wait for cofee to perk, we need a faster way to get them to the coffee.

[executives getting hard in the pants]

Jeff (continues, now with everyone's undivided attention): What we'll do is we'll fit all of our containers with a "tight grip" rubber. No strength required, no slipping. We don't TOUCH the coffee, it's selling fine as is.

Bauss: Sounds good so far, but we'd like to be known as a company that innovates in their products, not their containers. Pringles is a good example of that, bags, bags, bags.... Pringles.

Jeff: Right, Pringles IS famous for that, but it was only a matter of time until other brands adopted a similar format. We've got to be on the forefront of coffee packaging, not aesthetically, but practically. We'd likely be looking at more money down the line when people try to "Pringle" us, I'm sure our lawyers won't mind that one.. but let's talk about the immediate success and what this can do to out company image.

Bauss: Go.

Jeff: By having this tight grip, we further reduce our use of plastics in the manufacturing process. That being said, when 3rd party or the press looks at the plastic production for our containers, we're looking at a drop of 20% in plastics. Of course, as far as stats go, Maxwell House will be seen as environmentally conscious. And later, when some smartass acts up and points to our production of rubber, we'll just point to those ridiculous bracelets that people wear for a good cause.. those um.. you know "strength", "aids awareness"..

All: right... right..

Jeff: So really, the tight-grip, requires no chemists, no taste-testers, and no modifications to the factory beyond an adjustment to the capping process which should take less than a month.

Bauss: I'm SO, fucking your ass after this meeting.

Jeff: [About to get the Maxx, well into his House]



The reality is, that this product is now approved by "The Arthritis Society", who would have known. Good on ya' Jeff! Because you know what people with Arthritis could REALLY use??? Some of that brown stuff that makes everyone else shake and jitter and convulse -- MORE COFFEE PLEASE!!! Fucking people. FUCKING PEOPLE, MAN.

I think I'll save my tight grip for what REALLY wakes me up in the morning.

(c)2007 - bigpixels